Imp

[zalena]

If I were to identify the starting point of my latest bad streak, I'd say it started last Tuesday with Office Mate's husband inviting himself along to the reading. Since then, I have not been able to do or say anything appropriate. Even when my filter alarm goes off (warning! this has potential to mislead and be misconstrued) I ignore it and set the bridge, barn, and barge afire.

The Father's Day debacle made it worse. Now, I'm like pyromaniac igniting bad situations, and watching the disaster play itself out. I did it again today. Quite unintentionally. The filter warning went off and I totally disregarded it and insulted another user on LJ. I didn't mean to, but I can certainly see how she might be upset, even if I felt totally powerless to stop myself, and sense any apology or explanation will be a futile dig into a deeper hole.

At work, two of my co-workers were trying to keep an unhappy author's complaints secret. Much to their chagrin, I loudly announced what I thought of the situation, and the author, using rather strong language and calling in the manager standing in full view in the hall. They both gave me a look like I was possessed, which is perhaps the best explanation.

What is this crazy imp that has gotten after me? It's much worse than stuffing icecream in mailboxes. I've been writing rude poems about people and situations that irritate me. I've been speaking out, swearing loudly, and getting myself into trouble. I'm going to get myself beat up next, or ostracized.

I've done it at work. I've done it with friends. I've done it with strangers. I'll probably do it again tomorrow, and on Friday when I'm supposed to see my grandmother.

I have a vague memory of being angry at Secret Lover last solstice. I'm not going to bother looking up why, it's in the past; but tonight, amidst a very long wander (during which I re-set most the sprinklers along the walk, accidently spraying passersby with my good intentiosn,) I was caught by the familiar restless feeling. It's the longest day of the year and I have nothing better to do and no one better to spend it with than this...

Usually, my walk is deserted. Tonight it was swarming with couples, including a particularly infatuated pair parked on each other's laps at the listening stones. Even a complete circuit of the prarie dog fields and the hog farms wouldn't budge them. (Though the unusual environs did inspire me to a particularly rude poem about a woman who is clearly the kind of person who would like prarie dogs because of their relation to the lab animals she loves, monkeys and rats, things that push a button for food and live out their lives in cages.)

The only other people out alone were an old woman sitting on a bench and looking at the water, and a homeless guy pulling his belongings along in a wheeled golf caddy. I'm in good company!

It would be one thing if my filter was broken, as is so frequently the case... but to know something bad is about to happen, and to DO IT ANYWAY, even with adverse impacts on oneself? What is this imp? Maybe I've had enough and am ready to move on. Maybe I'm bored and trying to incite some excitement. Maybe it's time to make some move, any move to shake things up and get on with my life.

What's the worst thing you've ever done knowing disaster would ensue?