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zalenaI finally wrestled my taxes into shape this evening, after a week of phone calls to financial institutions all over the country. My Gpa bought me some stocks years ago to pay for college. They weren't worth enough in college to be meaningful, so I've held onto them all these years, thinking of it as my little nest egg to one day buy a home. It's my only asset. I sold some this year to help get me through the rough employment situation. It broke my heart to do so. There is still some left, but it will take a long time to rebuild my capital.
In the meantime I'm still fighting off debt from both college and the NY experience. The irony of emerging in debt from a relationship with a wealthy man hits me every time I pay my bills. I've got to stop being so damn proud where money is concerned. My current debt payoff plan involves being debt free within in the next five years. I haven't gone any further in debt since I returned from NY, but that doesn't change the fact that the largest percent of my income goes to debt. The total amount is smaller than it was when I graduated from college, but it hasn't vanished nearly so quickly as I had hoped. I say a prayer everytime I drive that the Time Machine will last a little longer.
I hate to admit that part of me believes I will not find a relationship before my financial situation improves. Part of me asks who would want to be involved with someone who lives in a trailer, drives the Time Machine, and is barely squeaking by? I know it isn't right to be thinking this way, especially as I am someone who lives within her means so she can meet her financial obligations... but I imagine that's what everyone else is thinking, even desirable mates. Even harder is the "nothing to wear" syndrome that has haunted me my entire life. I wonder if I will ever lose my obsession with "passing" or ever feel like I'm doing more than just getting by. These things seem to be more a matter of attitude than actual finances, and my inability to acknowledge prosperity is something that definitely needs to be addressed in my life.
But I would love a vacation, or some new clothes, or a down payment on a vehicle that doesn't have a 50 mile tether, not to mention the means to pay for it. I will be getting a refund this year, but have decided I will be applying it to debt in the hopes that it will free up more of my monthly income, sooner.
In the meantime I'm still fighting off debt from both college and the NY experience. The irony of emerging in debt from a relationship with a wealthy man hits me every time I pay my bills. I've got to stop being so damn proud where money is concerned. My current debt payoff plan involves being debt free within in the next five years. I haven't gone any further in debt since I returned from NY, but that doesn't change the fact that the largest percent of my income goes to debt. The total amount is smaller than it was when I graduated from college, but it hasn't vanished nearly so quickly as I had hoped. I say a prayer everytime I drive that the Time Machine will last a little longer.
I hate to admit that part of me believes I will not find a relationship before my financial situation improves. Part of me asks who would want to be involved with someone who lives in a trailer, drives the Time Machine, and is barely squeaking by? I know it isn't right to be thinking this way, especially as I am someone who lives within her means so she can meet her financial obligations... but I imagine that's what everyone else is thinking, even desirable mates. Even harder is the "nothing to wear" syndrome that has haunted me my entire life. I wonder if I will ever lose my obsession with "passing" or ever feel like I'm doing more than just getting by. These things seem to be more a matter of attitude than actual finances, and my inability to acknowledge prosperity is something that definitely needs to be addressed in my life.
But I would love a vacation, or some new clothes, or a down payment on a vehicle that doesn't have a 50 mile tether, not to mention the means to pay for it. I will be getting a refund this year, but have decided I will be applying it to debt in the hopes that it will free up more of my monthly income, sooner.
