It's not you, it's your books...

[zalena]

Okay, I HAD to post a link to this Sunday book review (read StylesSection for fellow haters... you know who you are!) piece about the fraught dating relationships between readers. I have never broken up with someone over books, but I have certainly had my moments. They even mention several of my hotbutton books, notably:

* Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (which is about neither, points to those of you who can identify which brief romance made me read that and Jonathan Livingstone Seagull)

* Fountainhead - a total turn-off now indicating a certain fascist turn of ideology, was, oddly, a turn-on in one of my first grown up love affairs. He even called me 'Dominique Dreamweaver,' which upon reflection, was not necessarily a good thing...

* One author's description of Unbearable Lightness of Being "Uh-oh; trendy, bogus metaphysics, sex involving a bowler hat,’" is spot-on; but also reminds me that I first read the book to please T, along with Somerset Maugham's Razor's Edge. There were no messages for me except that as a female there were extremely limited roles for women in his life, and we would not be allowed to walk first on the path to life or enlightenment. That our bodies were forfeit, either as accessories to ecstasy, or as vessels in which to tie men down; and that our minds would always come second to the bodies in which they were bound.

To be fair, Unbearable Lightness is an extremely political novel bound to its time and place, the nuances of which I was certainly not able to understand at that age, and may not be entirely able to grasp now.

* I would add Kafka to the list, which while a wonderful writer with many virtues I was probably too inexperienced to appreciate at the time, is kind of a mood-killer beneath the mistletoe.

And I'm surprised no one mentions J.D. Salinger. I avoided him for years because of the kind of people who read him. Now that I've finally read Catcher in the Rye I can appreciate what it has to offer, but still remain wary of those boys who sleep with a copy clutched against their chest. (A tragic paean to endless American boyhood, in which any attempt at affection is seen as threat to his frangible masculinity.)

Of course, I can't remember the last time I had a sizzling literary affair, particularly since my taste in men as of late has run, hmmm, how shall we say? surprisingly plebeian. Most of them read in their own way, whether its an addiction to Star Wars novels, James Patterson, or smarmy business texts; but they are not heavy hitters on the literary scene and struggle to understand my own compulsion to reading.

As for myself, I'm generally considered well-read; but I consider myself to be more widely than deeply read, I'm something of a diletante with surprising gaps in knowledge. And my bookshelves at home no longer refelct my interests or current reading with any consistency since I took on a very liquid approach to literature after my move from NYC.

On the other hand there are certain literary gifts that have descended from the hands of men I would rather not admit. Ex gave me Moomins and Doris Lessing. (Who it turns out, he had hardly even read.) There was the friend who first gave me Melville. But those weren't books with any expectations attached. They were given more in the spirit of friendship: "here is a book you might enjoy," than they were as gifts between lovers, "here is a book to help you understand me."

Maureen Dowd (another thing about the times I love to hate) wrote a column several years about about gender inequality in book sharing. I probably posted about it at the time, but I've linked it again. Her central thesis is that in heterosexual relationships its rarer for women to ask men to read books than it is for men to assume women will read their recs. She thinks about this while trying to assemble an A-Z of Me reading list for her latest lackluster lover for Valentine's Day:

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed not only risky, but the height of presumption to expect someone to devote that many hours to fathoming someone else's psyche. What guy would drag himself away from ESPN's "SportsCenter" to read "Sense and Sensibility" or from beer and pizza to devour "Cakes and Ale"?

I think she has a point, but I also might add that she's going about it all wrong in assuming anyone should respond positively to an 'A to Z of Me' approach at intimacy. These things occur over time as people gradually get to know one another. There are no shortcuts to becoming well-read; and there are no shortcuts to intimacy, either. It's something that happens gradually, over time.

Of course, it doesn't hurt to know about a persons likes and dislikes; and I am notorious for overrecommending books in my enthusiasm. I will give someone a huge list of books, or a bagful, rather than more carefully feeding them one at a time and seeing what they like.

I'm also a believer that there is a right time and place for certain books in people's lives and relationships. It's very easy for me to tell with young readers whether it's time for the D'Aulaires Greek Myths or Norse Gods & Giants; or whether they've moved past Narnia to Prydain. But its harder to tell if someone's going to respond better to Coupland or Tolstoy. And when I'm enthusiastic about a book recently read it's difficult not to recommend it to everyone.

Anyway, I write pretty regularly about my reading here. What are you reading, lately? And do you need any recommendations?

Comments

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

Hee. To comment on the article, the only time I've come close to breaking up with someone over literary taste was this guy who loved Zippy. Or was that Zippo? The existential clown in the Colorado Daily comics... Yeah. And, of course, it wasn't about Zeppo at all, but our completely different outlooks on life. Ironic, really, now that I think about it.

Right now I just wish I had the attention span and energy to read. I read a children's chapter book today (something about Horrible Harry, though can't remember exact title), and that was just about the right speed for me. Though I did just finish Persuasion again the other day. Can't quite muster the energy to start another Austen, though. (Perhaps in part because upon reading Persuasion this time, I found her tone to be terribly bitter. Funny and of course the ending is romantic, but it almost seems like she was mocking herself, romance and everyone else who actually believes that love will out. Perhaps it was just my mood, though.)

The book that I really want to read, but is continually checked out of the library, is Christopher Moore's Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal. I suppose I could read some of Moore's other books while waiting, to see if I like his style, but...

[zalena.livejournal.com]

I read You Suck and thought that it... sucked.

But I hated vampire novels even before I read the book, so I could be biased.

[zalena.livejournal.com]

BTW - you seem to be a prime candidate for BSG. Have you tried it? It's space angst, but generally well-done and topical. Big G would probably like it, too.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I write pretty regularly about my reading, too, but at the moment it's autopope's Halting State, which is in the second person. I really want to love this book and be caught up in it and swept along with the stuff that's going on in it, but: second person. No.

I've been on rereads for weeks now, and this is not one; I have hopes.

[zalena.livejournal.com]

I'm also in a mood for re-reading, probably because I keep recommending books I haven't read in 10 years and am wondering if I still like them.

I'm currently reading This Republic of Suffering: Death and the American Civil War by Drew Gilpin Faust and thinking that you might like it. Fascinating glimpse into the mid-19C life and what to do with the logistical nightmare of dealing with the massive casualties brought on by the war. It ties in quite nicely with Alcott's writing about her brief stint as a Civil War nurse.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Sounds worthwhile for sure. My interest in the American Civil War is extremely patchy, but this sounds like one of the patches that would do nicely.

[toosuto.livejournal.com]

I am reading 1610: A Sundial in a Grave and wondering if I should stop before I waste anymore time on it: It is boring me to tears but there is a germ of an idea way deep down in it that could prove really interesting, but I fear nothing will be done with it. I've got a stack of other books to try. Plus The Selfish Gene which took four months to come from the library. And since we just unpacked all the books again, a lot of re-reading.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I don't know that I'd go so far as to say, "Quit now," because it does go somewhereish, and because I don't know you. But..."reread the Ash books instead," is good advice for a non-zero percentage of the population, let's put it that way.

[sachie.livejournal.com]

I like books. I enjoy meeting and talking to others who like books and like to talk about books.
But that was one shallow essay.

Why would couples even want to have the same taste in books? Or movies, or music, or really anything else. If someone was irredeemably dull, I would think that might be that grounds for a break up, but not just bad (or different) taste. Maybe their taste in books highlights a fatal flaw which might otherwise lurk unnoticed. Still, you'd think the flaw would be the cause of the breakup, not the book!

I guess 'literary' is just not my thing.

The last book I read was a epic style fantasy by David Drake, "Lord of the Isles". It was fun, but you know, nothing to break up over someone about. :)

[zalena.livejournal.com]

I've noticed you haven't been posting much lately, and thought I would comment that you have been missed.

I have a box of books to send you per your request for books about the arctic. It currently lacks Simmons' The Terror, which is the book of the 'arctic trilogy' I think you'd like best. I seem to have misplaced (or already given away) my copy. I will probably send it seperately via used on Amazon. So if weird packages start arriving in the mail... you know who they're from.

[dr-tectonic.livejournal.com]

I have mostly been in output mode lately, but I switched over to input over the last week and read one of Charlaine Harris's Southern Vampire Mysteries. Other than that I've mostly been re-reading things (sometimes only partially) with an eye toward how they are constructed and how the author handled this or that element of the novel. Most of Bujold's Vorkosigan novels, some Pratchett, Vinge's A Fire Upon the Deep, Banks's The Algebraist, Dune, Asimov's Robot novels (surprisingly wooden and awkward now that I'm no longer 12), some short story collections...

Lots of online reading, too. Blogs, mostly.

[zalena.livejournal.com]

You know that I think you are an excellent writer and would be very interested in seeing your 'output' someday.

[dr-tectonic.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I fully intend to sponge all the feedback and constructive criticism I can off you.

(I'd probably be plying you with rough draft right now if my writing process wasn't so nonlinear. I've currently got something like the middle of chapter 2, last quarter of chapter 3 and beginning of chapter 4, end of chapter 6, a vignette that needs to go in somewhere around chapter 12, etc....)

[srotu27.livejournal.com]

I can't say that I've ever been that involved in what a boyfriend is reading--- occasionally, I've read something a crush has recommended to give us something to talk about, but I've never dumped someone because of literary taste, or even factored it much. I think that, because my dad and a brother are anti-readers and the two brothers I have who are readers aren't literary readers (one trends toward sci fi and the other toward mass market fiction--- Clancy, Grisham, King), I don't really have an expectation that the men in my life will be interested in the same kinds of things that I read. Certainly, I know male English major-types--- ng_nighthawk, for example, they're just more the exception than the rule. Most of the conversations I have about books have always been with women--- my mom, friends, female cousins and relatives, co-workers...

I tend to be enough of a chick in my literary taste (Austen, the Victorians, Tan, etc.) that I don't expect dates to be fascinated by what interests me. I read some things that wouldn't break across gender lines--- especially nonfiction, but even that trends more toward the psychological or sociological. Occasionally historical.

I think that, as in movies, I tend a little toward populism on this subject. I will say that I start to get nervous if a guy can't get enough of writers that I find misogynistic--- Hemingway, for example. It's okay to like Hemingway, or to appreciate him as a talented writer, but to idolize him... not okay. I liked The Fountainhead, for what it was, but thereagain, to want to enact Rand's philosophies as a life goal... also upsetting.

Reading now--- finishing Sex and the City, then I thought I'd start digging into some of the books written by candidates for president. I thought it might give me insight I'd find useful later in the election cycle. I don't know that I'll get to read one from each, but hopefully a red one and a blue one. Plus all the work stuff: the three books I'm producing plus proposals, the leadership book that I'm required to write a report on, the 36 entries for the papers competition, and magazine submissions.

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure I can think of a quicker way to create friction than to say "here is a book to help you understand me." It'd never work, they'd have to understand the book the same way I do, which is near-impossible. Surely it would cause more confusion than otherwise?

[zalena.livejournal.com]

We are constantly trying to bridge the gap of subjective reality. Sharing books is one of the many tools at our disposal, and sometimes easier than talking for people who aren't facile at expressing their inner lives. Too many experiences seem beyond words... having something that can squint at it sideways is many times a relief. This is why we have stories; because language fails experience in so many other ways.

That being said, it is way easier to discuss 'what are you reading?' these days, than 'what do you do?' and would end up revealing a lot more about me than some anecdote about working in a hospital fileroom.